Thursday 30 November 2017

#328 Less than impressive, less than impressed.

7pm. Crystal Palace. I walked along the rather modest parade of shops. One cafe, some cheap fast food outlets, a laundrette. A couple of corner shops that weren't on corners. Newsagents. That was the word. They were newsagents. That was about it. Hold on. Was that really about it? The station had six platforms.This was supposed to be Crystal Palace. Where was the rest of it? Maybe there were other parts elsewhere.

If I was going to find a new home, I was really really going to have to start showing an interest in some places. The sleep thing had become so important though. I couldn't bring myself to compromise. Vera seemed like an amazing landlord. Friendly. Tidy but not obsessive. There was a drawback though. She got up at 5:45am. My room would've been right next to the bathroom. I didn't feel like waking up at 5:45am every day. It would drive me bonkers. Maybe. So I declined.

Was I supposed to be learning something here? Would I eventually have to resign myself to a zombie-like existence, plodding my way through life like some exhausted tramp? Would I have to start taking sleeping pills? Or get hypnosis to be able to snooze through background noise? Or take a risk and hope that one of these houses would be ok, sign a contract and move all my stuff knowing full well that I might hate my new accommodation? Was that what it would take to finally make a decision and start getting on with life?

Speaking of getting on with life, I'd been accused of some hypocrisy lately. Apparently I claimed to take an interest in personal development but never really developed myself much. It was an interesting claim, I mean on one hand they were entitled to their opinion. Why wasn't I making more progress? Quite. Good point. Guilty as charged.

On the other hand, this person had only known me for a year. What did they expect, that I'd turn into Bill Gates? During the past five years, I'd ran a marathon, improved my diet, started dating, written a book, become more vocal, had a short relationship, left my job, seen a therapist and a coach and started volunteering. The five years before that? I never did anything. Sure, I was more sociable and perhaps less cynical back then but I was also very quiet and never did anything other than play videogames and stand around in pubs.

Sure, the effects of therapy on my overall attitude toward life were at best slow-burning and at worst non-existent but guess what? Real personal change is very difficult and can take years. Apparently. That's if the person even wants to change. Setting my sights on getting back to work felt like enough for the time being. Improving my relationships was a nice thought but when and how and why? I was spending most of my time arranging and attending room viewings. There's no such thing as bad feedback though. It seemed worth giving the accusation some further thought.


Anonymous said...

Has the career coach actually coached you in careers yet?

Beware of depression that goes with long term unemployment. Tell a doctor your circumstances . Landlords want employed people so not working will restrict you to the less desired rooms , next to the main road, next to the bathroom.

I agree with Fizzfan, try earphones and falling asleep in front of Netflix.

Fizzfan said...

You’ve done a lot of really worthwhile things and Kudos to you for having achieved them all. I wouldn’t have had the gumption to have attempted them because I’ve always played safe and clung to job security first and foremost. I guess I’m a bit of a plodder.
I can remember times that I came to recognise it was the only stabilising influence in my life, so probably value it above just about anything else.

The greatest gift you have is your intelligence. If you’re working towards a fresh start with your accommodation and seeking a new job, you’re doing great. Neither of them are easy and take a lot of time, energy and commitment.

Life is a bit of a survival game sometimes. Being in limbo is uncomfortable. You’re working on it. Results will come although they’re not always exactly the ones we ideally want :)

Profound Familiarity said...

Hey Cath

At the moment I am focusing on moving.

I would say don't worry about depression, I don't feel like I'm at risk from it.

I'm getting plenty of viewings and there's no discrimination when it comes to the types of room they're offering.

Thank you for the earphones suggestion, I have tried most of these things already but I appreciate the thought.

Profound Familiarity said...

Thanks Fizzfan.

I don't think it was courage that made me leave the last job. It just wasn't the right one for me.

I plan on getting back to some kind of work after I've moved.