Saturday 12 November 2016

#172 Things I might do if I ever find out I have a kid.

1. Bring a tin of blue paint and a paintbrush every single time that fucker catches a train until they're ten years old and draw a line on the platform two metres behind the existing one for my kid to stand behind so that even if they fall or get pushed over, all they get hit by is a platform.

2. Ritualise the pronouncements over and over again that almost nothing is exactly how it seems, that there's more than one perspective to almost everything, that nobody really knows anything and that no one person's opinion or knowledge is in itself worth more than any other's or if that's too hard to chew, just that sometimes it pays untold dividends to show as much respect as can be mustered, or failing that just to stay silent, often at your own expense.

3. Cuddle that fucker like one of those orange and white rings they throw to people who fall off boats.

4. Provide it with access to a piano, a calculator, some paper and pencils, a globe, a history textbook, a football, a hacksaw, some baking ingredients and the main religious books just in case it ever takes delight in any of those things.

5. Troll the fuck out of any adults who my kid seems not to like very much, even if I quite like them myself.

6. Wear smarter, or at least cleaner clothes. Consider ironing my tshirts and occasionally washing my jeans.

7. Get a cat.

8. Read the Sunday papers.

9. Use the kid to talk to hot women who have kids.

10. Post crap family pictures and anecdotes that nobody else gives even the tiniest bit of a fuck about all over Facebook every day.

I'm just kidding about 10. I have no intention of ever becoming that normal.

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